Dec 25, 2006

merry christmas

its 12.36, so i guess its officially christmas. you woudlnt' be able to tell from the weather out here, because its insanely mild for late dec. my family and i had our big holiday dinner last night since my brother had to go back to the west coast to celebrate with the inlaws. we had done the whole gift thing last night, and my family was just sitting around, enjoying each others company. i was so tempted to just blurt out - alright everyone, i'm gay! but i didn't have the balls to do it.

i think when it finally happens its going to be a spur of the moment thing. if i plan it, i'll always talk myself out of it, so i know i need to just suck it up, and blurt it out. i wanted to start the new year off with a clean slate, and jsut go for it, but i'm just too scared. too scared of rejection, too scared of their judgement, too scared of thier disappointment. the words were literally on the tip of my tongue, but i just couldn't pull the trigger. instead, i just sat back, smiled, and just said nothing. oh well. another time, another place.

the other day, i was out shopping with my family and i acutally saw a guy i went on a date with a few nights before. i was too scared to say hi to him because i didn't know how he'd react with my parents there. we've actually gone out on a couple dates, and we hit it off really well, and i know i'll see him again after the holiday break. i was just scared that he'd automatically give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and i dont' know how i'd explain that to my parents, haha. its time like this when the whole double life thing gets tricky. so instead of introducing my parents to a kid im somewhat interested in, i cowardly hid from him so he woudlnt' see me. lame, i know.

in any event, the rents are here for awhile longer, so im pretty much in straight mode for a few more days. its amazing how easily i seem to turn it on and off. im bored out of my mind now, but almost all my friends are outta town, and no way am i going onto craiglist on christmas. something about that, just seems so wrong. haha.

merry chirstmas everyone!

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey man- Merry Christmas to you too!

I understand where you're coming from. I guess I never looked at the flamboyant gay reality as brave.

I just see shows such as Queer Eye and its duplicates as really, really bad depictions of gay men. I'm going out on a limb here, but it seems like the more uneducated/intolerant population of this country uses those guys as molds for every other gay man- and it sucks. Not every gay guy is overly fashion savy and constantly enunciating their "S's."

I went ahead and linked to your site bro. Didn't catch your name- but as you know, I'm blake and I like the blog! I hope to hear from you soon.

www.aiofblog.blogspot.com

JP Mac said...

Merry Christmas bro! We should hit the Garden up sometime. Rangers or College hoops. I can't stand the NBA.

Joel said...

Here's a really pathetic thing: I'm out to my parents and still hide that I'm dating from them. The guy I'm dating came to see me in a show and I went through this whole deception where he was a friend of a friend of mine and I didn't really know him. And here's the funny thing: he ended up in the restroom at intermission at the urinal next to my dad. Maybe someday I'll have to balls to introduce. Until then, have a great Christmas!

JP Mac said...

and p.s. - why haven't you talked about the dates on the blog? come on bro.

firstimpre55ion said...

So I have to say, why did you avoid saying hi to that guy? I think it'd be obvious if rather you extended a hand for a handshake if you were afraid of him giving you a hug (not that there's anything wrong with hugging your guy friends, I do). Like when I was in the ER and my best friend showed up. I gave him a huge, long, heartfelt hug right in front of my mom. I didn't care. He's my best friend and I love him to death. If they take it for more than that then they're off kelter. I dunno. Signs of affection like a hug are much needed in this society full of social issues and display of affection issues. I dunno, but a hug's a hug. No shame in that.

fI

Therax said...

Merry Christmas, when the time is right it will happen. Remember there is a whole group of us out here that are behind you 100% even though you have never met us.
Michael

Jeff said...

Hey there... Merry Xmas. I like reading your blog. I was in your shoes a few years back. All I have to say is "take your time" when it comes to telling family about yourself. My family found out a couple years ago and they're really conservative. I have a bf and they don't accept him at their house for the holidays. Not to scare you, but just remember that if it has taken you 20+ years to accept who you are, that it may take quite awhile for them to accept things as well. I've also come to the conclusion that maybe my family cannot accept things and it's okay. But everyone's on a difference journey, so be patient! Happy holidays...

Anonymous said...

I'm currently in Maine. I'll be in Boston after tomorrow night though.

-Tim

Anonymous said...

Hell yeah dude- I'm up for camparing. I'm not going to hook anything up until the 1st.

As far as the relationship goes- I understand where you are coming from. With my girlfriends, I didn't mind public displays of affection and all that. I don't know how comfortable I would be with a guy though.

I think, even after someone comes out of the closet, they are intimidated by what others think. It's bullshit- but it's the truth.

FunkyJew82 said...

hey,
great blog here! i'm kind of in the same situation as you. it gets REALLY messy sometimes when your two worlds sort of collide at some random time, and you're not prepated but are forced to make a decision right there and then on how to deal with it. i've had quite a few situations like that. it's the most uneasy feeling in the world. i almost had a panic attack once!!

dan said...

merry Christmas and happy new year man. good post, keep it up, I did all sorts of stuff with my singles group this last week. they'd have no idea i was partying up with some gay buds in dallas last weekend, nor do those gay friends know I still go to straight singles group functions... ahh well. later.