Dec 28, 2006

$18 million dollar man

6th highest contract of all time. he's a great pitcher, but he's choked a lot in recent years. i think he lucked out.... maybe the giants can become legitimate contenders now? hahah. okay, that'll never happen. thanks to blake for telling me about the breaking news.

Dec 27, 2006

best looking athletes

so i pretty much agree with a lot of SI's top picks, but couldn't they find a more flattering picture of leinart?!

missing from the list:

richard gasquet
john lynch
french rugby team

Dec 25, 2006

merry christmas

its 12.36, so i guess its officially christmas. you woudlnt' be able to tell from the weather out here, because its insanely mild for late dec. my family and i had our big holiday dinner last night since my brother had to go back to the west coast to celebrate with the inlaws. we had done the whole gift thing last night, and my family was just sitting around, enjoying each others company. i was so tempted to just blurt out - alright everyone, i'm gay! but i didn't have the balls to do it.

i think when it finally happens its going to be a spur of the moment thing. if i plan it, i'll always talk myself out of it, so i know i need to just suck it up, and blurt it out. i wanted to start the new year off with a clean slate, and jsut go for it, but i'm just too scared. too scared of rejection, too scared of their judgement, too scared of thier disappointment. the words were literally on the tip of my tongue, but i just couldn't pull the trigger. instead, i just sat back, smiled, and just said nothing. oh well. another time, another place.

the other day, i was out shopping with my family and i acutally saw a guy i went on a date with a few nights before. i was too scared to say hi to him because i didn't know how he'd react with my parents there. we've actually gone out on a couple dates, and we hit it off really well, and i know i'll see him again after the holiday break. i was just scared that he'd automatically give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and i dont' know how i'd explain that to my parents, haha. its time like this when the whole double life thing gets tricky. so instead of introducing my parents to a kid im somewhat interested in, i cowardly hid from him so he woudlnt' see me. lame, i know.

in any event, the rents are here for awhile longer, so im pretty much in straight mode for a few more days. its amazing how easily i seem to turn it on and off. im bored out of my mind now, but almost all my friends are outta town, and no way am i going onto craiglist on christmas. something about that, just seems so wrong. haha.

merry chirstmas everyone!

Dec 19, 2006

sidewalk 101

anyone that lives in nyc, or any other big urban center can definitely agree with this list [from Neyorkology]

Top 10 Pedestrian Annoyances


1. Cellphone weavers. Something about talking on a cellphone makes most people incapable of walking in a straight line.
2. People who not only don't walk on the right, but seem aggressively not to do so.
3. People who haul those suitcase-on-wheels things behind them.
4. People who wield outsize "golf umbrellas" on city streets.
5. People who refuse to take off their backpacks when they ascend crowded public stairways.
6. People who walk their dogs on extra-long retractable leashes.
7. Aggressive stroller-pushers. In Park Slope, Brooklyn, where years of fertility treatments often yield twins, the extra-wide strollers are a special menace. And what's with the violently aerodynamic design of modern strollers, anyway? And … what's with pushing your four-year-old in a stroller?
8. The shopping mall gait, i.e., the shambling two- , three- , or four-abreast waddle.
9. The iPod wearer who does not hear "excuse me."
10. People who walk with their rolled-up umbrellas parallel, rather than perpendicular, to the ground.
------
additions from me

11. smokers - im not here to start an anti-smoking ban, do what you want, but c'mon, show a little common courtesy here. if you're walking in a crowded area, at least pretend to blow the smoke up in the air, away from most people. there's nothing more disgusting then walking in the opposite direction and have someone exhale a long nasty puff of smoke right when u walk by

12. crackberry users - its hard enough typing emails on those things while standing still, why do people think they can do it while walking?! in midtown rush hour foot traffic!? the best part is when they finally look up and realize they nearly ran into me they shoot ME a dirty look - wtf

busy day

travelling for work sucks. flew out this weekend, had meetings all day, then took an 8am flight back to nyc this morning. headed straight to the office from the airport. saw two hotties on my flight (which is actually surprising, since the little commuter jet only has about 40 seats). anyways, glances were exchanged with both. one of them appeared to be travelling with his gf, so i was a bit confused, but we've all been there, so yeah. needless to say, nothing happened.

fast forward to tonight. had dinner with my brother and some friends. one of my friend's boyfriends was so hot. i sound like im in junior high again. but seriously, i wanted to jump over the table and just get it on. i'm sitting there as the fifth wheel. imagining in my head what it would be like if i was open, if my brother knew about me, and if i had the courage enough to bring a guy to that dinner with me. im so tired of being the single at every family function and every straight friend get together. but in order for that to happen, that means i have to open up first. does anyone else imagine having thier bf next to them at social events? i can't wait for that day, when i can sit next to my bf, at a table full of friends and family, and be completely comfortable. one day.....

Dec 18, 2006

ever since i can remember, i've been living a double life.

my family and childhood friends know me as the straight guy who moved away to make a life for himself away from everything familiar. in nyc, most of my friends know i'm gay, but my coworkers and random acquaintances do not. living this double life has become so routine, its second nature, and one could say, its the "normal" me. i've been doing it for so long, i don't really know how to put an end to it.

i think about "the speech" everyday. i tell myself my parents and friends MUST KNOW already, how couldn't they?! but then something happens, and i think maybe they don't know. i see my gay friends interacting with their parents and i think to myself, "damn, i wish i had that".

i know i'm not alone in this struggle. i've had these thoughts as long as i can remember, and i happened to come across a handful of blogs tonight that discuss similiar issues, which prompted me to start blogging about this as well. i want to thank the following bloggers:

a gay athletes life
overnight in new york
i think i might be gay

by the time i got to the 3rd blog, i decided to launch this blog. im sure our situations are all different, but the stories you tell, and the feelings you describe are EXACTLY the same things i've dealt with for over 10 years now.

the stories i can share are enough to fill a library. perhaps this blog will give me an avenue to share my stories, feelings, fears, and hopefully inspire others the way these blogs inspired me. i hope that this blog will help me muster the courage to come out to my friends and family within one year of today. that means by dec 18, 2007, my life as a double agent will be over.

let the fun begin.....