Dec 19, 2006

busy day

travelling for work sucks. flew out this weekend, had meetings all day, then took an 8am flight back to nyc this morning. headed straight to the office from the airport. saw two hotties on my flight (which is actually surprising, since the little commuter jet only has about 40 seats). anyways, glances were exchanged with both. one of them appeared to be travelling with his gf, so i was a bit confused, but we've all been there, so yeah. needless to say, nothing happened.

fast forward to tonight. had dinner with my brother and some friends. one of my friend's boyfriends was so hot. i sound like im in junior high again. but seriously, i wanted to jump over the table and just get it on. i'm sitting there as the fifth wheel. imagining in my head what it would be like if i was open, if my brother knew about me, and if i had the courage enough to bring a guy to that dinner with me. im so tired of being the single at every family function and every straight friend get together. but in order for that to happen, that means i have to open up first. does anyone else imagine having thier bf next to them at social events? i can't wait for that day, when i can sit next to my bf, at a table full of friends and family, and be completely comfortable. one day.....

7 comments:

dan said...

good luck his next year man.
I hear you on the 3rd wheel thing, I'm alwasy a 3rd or 5th with my married buds and their wives. And I sometimes imagine what if I had a bf and we'd have just as much fun with the groups I have, but I guess the fear is that it wouldn't be the same and I'd have to do a whole new gay couple social thing. So for now I'm happy the way it is, and they don't seem to be asking any questions or trying to set me up.(a very certain few of them know I prefer dudes at this point actually). anyway, I look froward toreading more of your posts. later.

firstimpre55ion said...

As per your question...YES, very much so!

Like when you turn to your side in bed, look over your shoulder while watching TV, driving in the car and glancing at the passenger seat...

Often.

fI

JP Mac said...

what sucks is going to weddings single... or bringing that best friend you bring to everything.. thats what always sucks

Moncrief Speaks said...

Has your brother or other family members given you an idea of how they might react? They could surprise you with their acceptance.

double lifer said...

moncrief - to my family's credit, they haven't given me any signs that they wouldn't be accepting. its mainly my internalized fear and insecurity that they won't be. i mean, i had a big birthday party out here, my parents flew in, and i invited my best friend and HIS boyfriend. so i've definitely set the stage. i've done pretty much everything BUT tell them. so most likely im worried over nothing, but i can't seem to get over the last hurdle of simply opening up and telling them. i think its much easier to do things, and hope they get the picture, rather than having to actually come out and say it (haha, unintentional pun!)

double lifer said...

dan - to your point, that's my fear too. im sitting there, 2 couples and me, imagining what it would be like. and i just feel like even if everyone was comfortable with me being gay, it would still be ackward for them, because they would be on such pins and needles worrying about saying the wrong thing, offending someone, etc. i just don't want to be viewed differently cuz i have a bf next to me and not a gf. because im still the same person.

Moncrief Speaks said...

If they aren't trying to set you up on dates, and aren't asking you when you're getting married, chances are they probably do get it, but are waiting for you to say it first. If they know your best friend is gay, and you don't tell them you're not, I'd have to guess -- not knowing them, of course -- that they do get it. That's a good sign that they don't treat you any differently. I have to say that most people seem to sort of already know these things, but wait for the gay person to be the one to bring it up.

Would it be easier to tell your brother before your parents? I think it's usually easier to tell someone of your own generation.

I can understand worrying about being on pins and needles with a boyfriend around, but I think if you just act normally and make it clear they don't have to worry about offending you, it will all come into place when it gets to that point.

Just stuff to think about.