TIRED

i've done a lot of growing, learning, living, loving this past year. ups and downs like everyone else. and now i am tired...
tired of the bullshit.
tired of the hiding.
tired of the loneliness.
tired of the game.
tired of my own cowardice.
tired of being tired.

frustrated

ugh. the more comfortable i get with myself, the more frustrated i get. i just want to sit everyone down and say, IM FUCKING GAY! now, let's move on! i've pretty much stopped hiding it, and i answer with sincerity whenever people questions things now, but its still so hard to just come out and say, okay, im fucking gay.

why is it so hard still?! i wish i could wipe away my old slate, and just start new.

i'm gay! i'm still a man, i'm not ashamed, yet i guess i am.

football, dating, warriors

football season is over... we made it to the playoffs, but we didn't make it to the championships. maybe next year. it was a blast, and i'll definitely do it again next season!

so what have i been up to? lots of work. lots of travel (for work mostly). i've been back to cali twice in the last couple of months, was in miami for a weekend, nothing too exciting. just busting my ass at the office, as usual.

i met someone a month ago, and its been going well. he's pretty busy with work as well, so we dont have much time together during the week, but we usually spend most of the weekends together. i was out of town for 2 of the past 4 weekends, but in a weird way, it keeps me more interested. i think being able to miss him, makes me happy. im so used to burning out in the beginning, that i lose interest fast. this way, since both of us lead busy lives, we never really tire of each other. we've started to include each other in our respective plans - going out with my friends, going to his friend's party, etc. and so far, its been great. but its only been a little over a month now, so its still very new.

so in my last post, i talked about telling my two best buds. they know now, but its still weird to talk to them about stuff. maybe it'll always be weird, and its still such a separate part of my life, but its definitely brought my friends and i closer. we talk more now, not about gay stuff, but just about life in general, sort of like we did back in college. i know they wish me the best, and i know it'll take time to incorporate aspects of my gay life into everyday conversation, but i think thats more of an internal issue, rather than anything having to do with them. i've hid it for so long, i sort of have to UNTRAIN myself now.

let's see... what else? the Warriors had an awesome run 13 years in the making. i can't believe they made it to the 2nd round. i was lucky enough to catch a game while i was back in cali, but they lost :( it was still an awesome feeling. i rank it 2nd only to game 7 of the yanks/bosox series. somehow, my teams have ended up on the losing end of both events :( maybe i'm bad luck. but KUDOS to the warriors, and we finally gained some respect!

lastly, i want to thank everyone for their comments. it looks like i have some new readers, which is awesome! and to my 5 loyal readers, thanks a lot guys! i promise i'll update more often :) until then, have fun, it's almost BEACH SEASON!!!!

the first step is the hardest...

i.fucking.did.it. i wrote an email to two of my best friends, and i finally fucking told them. they're in a different timezone and i doubt they've read it yet. i'll post an update once the dust settles... here's how i ended the email:

i think one of the biggest hurdles gays have to overcome is self-acceptance, before we can gain the acceptance of others. in some ways, this letter was more for me, than it was for you. if more people had the courage to tell their friends and their families, i think people would have to finally wake up, and treat us as equals. it's a lot harder to deny equalilty to your own son, best friend, brother, teammate, or hero.

i know we're all dealing with similiar issues, and the timing will be different for all of us... i've still got a long road ahead of me... telling my two best friends is nothing compared to telling my fa

back with a vengeance

i doubt anyone really noticed, but i just needed time away from this thing. its a constant struggle dealing with the conflicted double life. i thought it would get easier, but in all honesty, it really hasn't... here's a quick recap of the goings-ons in my double lives :) ...

1) joined the gay football league. i can't begin to tell you how much fun the league is. the comraderie, the sportmanship, the pure athleticism... don't let the gay monkier fool you, the league is intense, and there are some tremendous athletes. i've met some great guys so far, and i truly look forward to every scrimmage, game, social outing. i know there are leagues in most of the major cities, and if you're at all interested in football, i say join! i didn't know a single person in the league, and i was a bit hesistant to join, but i'm so glad i did, and i haven't looked back since.

2) my friend sent me a link to a column by larry kramer, the founder of ACT UP:

why do straights hate gays?

Gays are hated. Prove me wrong. Your top general just called us immoral. Marine Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs, is in charge of an estimated 65,000 gay and lesbian troops, some fighting for our country in Iraq. A right-wing political commentator, Ann Coulter, gets away with calling a straight presidential candidate a faggot. Even Garrison Keillor, of all people, is making really tacky jokes about gay parents in his column. This, I guess, does not qualify as hate except that it is so distasteful and dumb, often a first step on the way to hate. Sens. Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama tried to duck the questions that Pace's bigotry raised, confirming what gay people know: that there is not one candidate running for public office anywhere who dares to come right out, unequivocally, and say decent, supportive things about us.
...
And there's no sign that this situation will change anytime soon. President Bush will leave a legacy of hate for us that will take many decades to cleanse. He has packed virtually every court and every civil service position in the land with people who don't like us. So, even with the most tolerant of new presidents, gays will be unable to break free from this yoke of hate. Courts rule against gays with hateful regularity. And of course the Supreme Court is not going to give us our equality, and in the end, it is from the Supreme Court that such equality must come. If all of this is not hate, I do not know what hate is.

I won't paste the whole thing, but its well worth a read... and it got me thinking.... why are we all sooo scared. If all of us were to come out, we could show the world that we're not going away, and the same people they had drinks with all these years, the same people they've played sports with, laughed with, have been gay. I think it would be a real eye-opener. But yet, we sit in the closet, because its easier, because there's less resistance. We're trying to fight a battle and we can't even stand up for ourselves. I know its nothing new, but I dont know, its just really starting to wear me down. And i feel like a total lame ass. I'm trying to figure out how I can make a difference, and help other guys, younger guys in my situation, to make it easier for the next generation. If anyone has any ideas or if anyone else is fed up with accepting the way things are, shoot me an email - playingitstraight@gmail.com

3) dating in this city is annoying. maybe its just me, or maybe i've just had a bad streak. but i just haven't had an great connection with anyone lately. kinda sucks, but more about that later.

i'm gay

two little words. 5 small letterS. so why is it so damn hard to say?!

(over)workout

is it possible to OVER workout? i hit the gym hard this week. been to 3 different group classes including boxing and a spin class, and i've lifted 3x this week. today, i worked my abs until i coudln't do another crunch. each time, i've made sure to stretch afterwards, and i chilled in the steam room to let my muscles relax.

now im sitting here, tired and feeling kind of sick. i'm wondering if its from too much working out, or maybe because its friggin' cold....feels like index of 9 degrees right now, and the winds are insane.... actually, aside from being cold, its fun to walk outside watching everyone stumble and stagger down the street. everyone looks like they're drunk on a cruise ship.


i've been surfing through the blogs, and i really like reading other people's blogs. i can't get over how many guys are dealing with similiar issues.... across the globe! i recently came across the other side and i couldn't believe how similiar we seem. i was reading aussielicious and he had an interview with joe oppedisano. i was totally blown away - his book testosterone is awesome, so i contacted joe and sent some pics to see if we could work together. he contacted me back, and actually wants to meet. i know, i couldn't believe it either. i'll let you guys know how it goes. im obviously not getting my hopes up, but how awesome would it be to be in a book like testosterone?! this is why i love nyc.