double lifer - living a straight and gay life at the same time

TIRED

2008-07-31T00:26:00.003-05:00

i've done a lot of growing, learning, living, loving this past year. ups and downs like everyone else. and now i am tired...
tired of the bullshit.
tired of the hiding.
tired of the loneliness.
tired of the game.
tired of my own cowardice.
tired of being tired.

frustrated

2007-11-11T00:42:00.000-05:00

ugh. the more comfortable i get with myself, the more frustrated i get. i just want to sit everyone down and say, IM FUCKING GAY! now, let's move on! i've pretty much stopped hiding it, and i answer with sincerity whenever people questions things now, but its still so hard to just come out and say, okay, im fucking gay.

why is it so hard still?! i wish i could wipe away my old slate, and just start new.

i'm gay! i'm still a man, i'm not ashamed, yet i guess i am.

football, dating, warriors

2007-05-22T23:23:00.000-05:00

football season is over... we made it to the playoffs, but we didn't make it to the championships. maybe next year. it was a blast, and i'll definitely do it again next season!

so what have i been up to? lots of work. lots of travel (for work mostly). i've been back to cali twice in the last couple of months, was in miami for a weekend, nothing too exciting. just busting my ass at the office, as usual.

i met someone a month ago, and its been going well. he's pretty busy with work as well, so we dont have much time together during the week, but we usually spend most of the weekends together. i was out of town for 2 of the past 4 weekends, but in a weird way, it keeps me more interested. i think being able to miss him, makes me happy. im so used to burning out in the beginning, that i lose interest fast. this way, since both of us lead busy lives, we never really tire of each other. we've started to include each other in our respective plans - going out with my friends, going to his friend's party, etc. and so far, its been great. but its only been a little over a month now, so its still very new.

so in my last post, i talked about telling my two best buds. they know now, but its still weird to talk to them about stuff. maybe it'll always be weird, and its still such a separate part of my life, but its definitely brought my friends and i closer. we talk more now, not about gay stuff, but just about life in general, sort of like we did back in college. i know they wish me the best, and i know it'll take time to incorporate aspects of my gay life into everyday conversation, but i think thats more of an internal issue, rather than anything having to do with them. i've hid it for so long, i sort of have to UNTRAIN myself now.

let's see... what else? the Warriors had an awesome run 13 years in the making. i can't believe they made it to the 2nd round. i was lucky enough to catch a game while i was back in cali, but they lost :( it was still an awesome feeling. i rank it 2nd only to game 7 of the yanks/bosox series. somehow, my teams have ended up on the losing end of both events :( maybe i'm bad luck. but KUDOS to the warriors, and we finally gained some respect!

lastly, i want to thank everyone for their comments. it looks like i have some new readers, which is awesome! and to my 5 loyal readers, thanks a lot guys! i promise i'll update more often :) until then, have fun, it's almost BEACH SEASON!!!!

the first step is the hardest...

2007-04-05T08:52:00.000-05:00

i.fucking.did.it. i wrote an email to two of my best friends, and i finally fucking told them. they're in a different timezone and i doubt they've read it yet. i'll post an update once the dust settles... here's how i ended the email:

i think one of the biggest hurdles gays have to overcome is self-acceptance, before we can gain the acceptance of others. in some ways, this letter was more for me, than it was for you. if more people had the courage to tell their friends and their families, i think people would have to finally wake up, and treat us as equals. it's a lot harder to deny equalilty to your own son, best friend, brother, teammate, or hero.

i know we're all dealing with similiar issues, and the timing will be different for all of us... i've still got a long road ahead of me... telling my two best friends is nothing compared to telling my fa

back with a vengeance

2007-04-04T20:36:00.000-05:00

i doubt anyone really noticed, but i just needed time away from this thing. its a constant struggle dealing with the conflicted double life. i thought it would get easier, but in all honesty, it really hasn't... here's a quick recap of the goings-ons in my double lives :) ...

1) joined the gay football league. i can't begin to tell you how much fun the league is. the comraderie, the sportmanship, the pure athleticism... don't let the gay monkier fool you, the league is intense, and there are some tremendous athletes. i've met some great guys so far, and i truly look forward to every scrimmage, game, social outing. i know there are leagues in most of the major cities, and if you're at all interested in football, i say join! i didn't know a single person in the league, and i was a bit hesistant to join, but i'm so glad i did, and i haven't looked back since.

2) my friend sent me a link to a column by larry kramer, the founder of ACT UP:

why do straights hate gays?

Gays are hated. Prove me wrong. Your top general just called us immoral. Marine Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs, is in charge of an estimated 65,000 gay and lesbian troops, some fighting for our country in Iraq. A right-wing political commentator, Ann Coulter, gets away with calling a straight presidential candidate a faggot. Even Garrison Keillor, of all people, is making really tacky jokes about gay parents in his column. This, I guess, does not qualify as hate except that it is so distasteful and dumb, often a first step on the way to hate. Sens. Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama tried to duck the questions that Pace's bigotry raised, confirming what gay people know: that there is not one candidate running for public office anywhere who dares to come right out, unequivocally, and say decent, supportive things about us.
...
And there's no sign that this situation will change anytime soon. President Bush will leave a legacy of hate for us that will take many decades to cleanse. He has packed virtually every court and every civil service position in the land with people who don't like us. So, even with the most tolerant of new presidents, gays will be unable to break free from this yoke of hate. Courts rule against gays with hateful regularity. And of course the Supreme Court is not going to give us our equality, and in the end, it is from the Supreme Court that such equality must come. If all of this is not hate, I do not know what hate is.

I won't paste the whole thing, but its well worth a read... and it got me thinking.... why are we all sooo scared. If all of us were to come out, we could show the world that we're not going away, and the same people they had drinks with all these years, the same people they've played sports with, laughed with, have been gay. I think it would be a real eye-opener. But yet, we sit in the closet, because its easier, because there's less resistance. We're trying to fight a battle and we can't even stand up for ourselves. I know its nothing new, but I dont know, its just really starting to wear me down. And i feel like a total lame ass. I'm trying to figure out how I can make a difference, and help other guys, younger guys in my situation, to make it easier for the next generation. If anyone has any ideas or if anyone else is fed up with accepting the way things are, shoot me an email - playingitstraight@gmail.com

3) dating in this city is annoying. maybe its just me, or maybe i've just had a bad streak. but i just haven't had an great connection with anyone lately. kinda sucks, but more about that later.

i'm gay

2007-02-15T00:59:00.000-05:00

two little words. 5 small letterS. so why is it so damn hard to say?!

(over)workout

2007-01-20T21:40:00.000-05:00

is it possible to OVER workout? i hit the gym hard this week. been to 3 different group classes including boxing and a spin class, and i've lifted 3x this week. today, i worked my abs until i coudln't do another crunch. each time, i've made sure to stretch afterwards, and i chilled in the steam room to let my muscles relax.

now im sitting here, tired and feeling kind of sick. i'm wondering if its from too much working out, or maybe because its friggin' cold....feels like index of 9 degrees right now, and the winds are insane.... actually, aside from being cold, its fun to walk outside watching everyone stumble and stagger down the street. everyone looks like they're drunk on a cruise ship.

i've been surfing through the blogs, and i really like reading other people's blogs. i can't get over how many guys are dealing with similiar issues.... across the globe! i recently came across the other side and i couldn't believe how similiar we seem. i was reading aussielicious and he had an interview with joe oppedisano. i was totally blown away - his book testosterone is awesome, so i contacted joe and sent some pics to see if we could work together. he contacted me back, and actually wants to meet. i know, i couldn't believe it either. i'll let you guys know how it goes. im obviously not getting my hopes up, but how awesome would it be to be in a book like testosterone?! this is why i love nyc.

weekend update (without amy poehler or seth meyers)

2007-01-16T00:13:00.000-05:00

hey guys, im back. i know i've been slacking, so here's an update:

- stopped dating one guy
- getting to know someone else
- works been a bitch
- been talking a lot to my friends about how i can tell my parents
- i don't really have time to date right now, but ironically, more people seem to talk to me now, at restaurants, at the gym, etc. i guess its true what they say, things happen when you don't really try
- the playoffs have been phenomenal - i'm pissed that the Pats won, i hate them. yes brady is hot, but i hate the Pats. I'm pulling for the Saints.

my friend told me something the other night, and i was really taken aback -- in a good way. he basically said something along the lines of: "i'm surprised, you present yourself so self assuredly, you're hot, you don't care what people think about you, and you really carry yourself in a way thats not overly cocky, but you're very secure with yourself. that's why i find it soo hard to believe that you're scared to tell your old friends and family. you, out of all people, seem like it would be a cinch."

i was deeply touched when he said that. i'm sure i botched up his whole delivery, but you get the gist of it. to hear a friend speak of me in such a genuinely flattering light was rather humbling. it made me realize how good i have it, but it also made me realize how big of a coward i am. he's right though, im a bit cocky and arrogant in all aspects of my life EXCEPT this one. i may overcompensate for this insecurity, but one of these days, i will get over it. reading about other people's experiences has definitely helped. one day, i hope to write my post-coming-out entry. until then, i'll just continue being a prick... :P

$18 million dollar man

2006-12-28T16:55:00.000-05:00

6th highest contract of all time. he's a great pitcher, but he's choked a lot in recent years. i think he lucked out.... maybe the giants can become legitimate contenders now? hahah. okay, that'll never happen. thanks to blake for telling me about the breaking news.

best looking athletes

2006-12-27T13:18:00.000-05:00

so i pretty much agree with a lot of SI's top picks, but couldn't they find a more flattering picture of leinart?!

missing from the list:

richard gasquet
john lynch
french rugby team

merry christmas

2006-12-25T00:36:00.000-05:00

its 12.36, so i guess its officially christmas. you woudlnt' be able to tell from the weather out here, because its insanely mild for late dec. my family and i had our big holiday dinner last night since my brother had to go back to the west coast to celebrate with the inlaws. we had done the whole gift thing last night, and my family was just sitting around, enjoying each others company. i was so tempted to just blurt out - alright everyone, i'm gay! but i didn't have the balls to do it.

i think when it finally happens its going to be a spur of the moment thing. if i plan it, i'll always talk myself out of it, so i know i need to just suck it up, and blurt it out. i wanted to start the new year off with a clean slate, and jsut go for it, but i'm just too scared. too scared of rejection, too scared of their judgement, too scared of thier disappointment. the words were literally on the tip of my tongue, but i just couldn't pull the trigger. instead, i just sat back, smiled, and just said nothing. oh well. another time, another place.

the other day, i was out shopping with my family and i acutally saw a guy i went on a date with a few nights before. i was too scared to say hi to him because i didn't know how he'd react with my parents there. we've actually gone out on a couple dates, and we hit it off really well, and i know i'll see him again after the holiday break. i was just scared that he'd automatically give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and i dont' know how i'd explain that to my parents, haha. its time like this when the whole double life thing gets tricky. so instead of introducing my parents to a kid im somewhat interested in, i cowardly hid from him so he woudlnt' see me. lame, i know.

in any event, the rents are here for awhile longer, so im pretty much in straight mode for a few more days. its amazing how easily i seem to turn it on and off. im bored out of my mind now, but almost all my friends are outta town, and no way am i going onto craiglist on christmas. something about that, just seems so wrong. haha.

merry chirstmas everyone!

sidewalk 101

2006-12-19T23:37:00.000-05:00

anyone that lives in nyc, or any other big urban center can definitely agree with this list [from Neyorkology]

Top 10 Pedestrian Annoyances

1. Cellphone weavers. Something about talking on a cellphone makes most people incapable of walking in a straight line.
2. People who not only don't walk on the right, but seem aggressively not to do so.
3. People who haul those suitcase-on-wheels things behind them.
4. People who wield outsize "golf umbrellas" on city streets.
5. People who refuse to take off their backpacks when they ascend crowded public stairways.
6. People who walk their dogs on extra-long retractable leashes.
7. Aggressive stroller-pushers. In Park Slope, Brooklyn, where years of fertility treatments often yield twins, the extra-wide strollers are a special menace. And what's with the violently aerodynamic design of modern strollers, anyway? And … what's with pushing your four-year-old in a stroller?
8. The shopping mall gait, i.e., the shambling two- , three- , or four-abreast waddle.
9. The iPod wearer who does not hear "excuse me."
10. People who walk with their rolled-up umbrellas parallel, rather than perpendicular, to the ground.
------
additions from me

11. smokers - im not here to start an anti-smoking ban, do what you want, but c'mon, show a little common courtesy here. if you're walking in a crowded area, at least pretend to blow the smoke up in the air, away from most people. there's nothing more disgusting then walking in the opposite direction and have someone exhale a long nasty puff of smoke right when u walk by

12. crackberry users - its hard enough typing emails on those things while standing still, why do people think they can do it while walking?! in midtown rush hour foot traffic!? the best part is when they finally look up and realize they nearly ran into me they shoot ME a dirty look - wtf

busy day

2006-12-19T21:02:00.000-05:00

travelling for work sucks. flew out this weekend, had meetings all day, then took an 8am flight back to nyc this morning. headed straight to the office from the airport. saw two hotties on my flight (which is actually surprising, since the little commuter jet only has about 40 seats). anyways, glances were exchanged with both. one of them appeared to be travelling with his gf, so i was a bit confused, but we've all been there, so yeah. needless to say, nothing happened.

fast forward to tonight. had dinner with my brother and some friends. one of my friend's boyfriends was so hot. i sound like im in junior high again. but seriously, i wanted to jump over the table and just get it on. i'm sitting there as the fifth wheel. imagining in my head what it would be like if i was open, if my brother knew about me, and if i had the courage enough to bring a guy to that dinner with me. im so tired of being the single at every family function and every straight friend get together. but in order for that to happen, that means i have to open up first. does anyone else imagine having thier bf next to them at social events? i can't wait for that day, when i can sit next to my bf, at a table full of friends and family, and be completely comfortable. one day.....

2006-12-18T23:37:00.000-05:00

ever since i can remember, i've been living a double life.

my family and childhood friends know me as the straight guy who moved away to make a life for himself away from everything familiar. in nyc, most of my friends know i'm gay, but my coworkers and random acquaintances do not. living this double life has become so routine, its second nature, and one could say, its the "normal" me. i've been doing it for so long, i don't really know how to put an end to it.

i think about "the speech" everyday. i tell myself my parents and friends MUST KNOW already, how couldn't they?! but then something happens, and i think maybe they don't know. i see my gay friends interacting with their parents and i think to myself, "damn, i wish i had that".

i know i'm not alone in this struggle. i've had these thoughts as long as i can remember, and i happened to come across a handful of blogs tonight that discuss similiar issues, which prompted me to start blogging about this as well. i want to thank the following bloggers:

a gay athletes life
overnight in new york
i think i might be gay

by the time i got to the 3rd blog, i decided to launch this blog. im sure our situations are all different, but the stories you tell, and the feelings you describe are EXACTLY the same things i've dealt with for over 10 years now.

the stories i can share are enough to fill a library. perhaps this blog will give me an avenue to share my stories, feelings, fears, and hopefully inspire others the way these blogs inspired me. i hope that this blog will help me muster the courage to come out to my friends and family within one year of today. that means by dec 18, 2007, my life as a double agent will be over.

let the fun begin.....