the first step is the hardest...

i.fucking.did.it. i wrote an email to two of my best friends, and i finally fucking told them. they're in a different timezone and i doubt they've read it yet. i'll post an update once the dust settles... here's how i ended the email:

i think one of the biggest hurdles gays have to overcome is self-acceptance, before we can gain the acceptance of others. in some ways, this letter was more for me, than it was for you. if more people had the courage to tell their friends and their families, i think people would have to finally wake up, and treat us as equals. it's a lot harder to deny equalilty to your own son, best friend, brother, teammate, or hero.

i know we're all dealing with similiar issues, and the timing will be different for all of us... i've still got a long road ahead of me... telling my two best friends is nothing compared to telling my fa

back with a vengeance

i doubt anyone really noticed, but i just needed time away from this thing. its a constant struggle dealing with the conflicted double life. i thought it would get easier, but in all honesty, it really hasn't... here's a quick recap of the goings-ons in my double lives :) ...

1) joined the gay football league. i can't begin to tell you how much fun the league is. the comraderie, the sportmanship, the pure athleticism... don't let the gay monkier fool you, the league is intense, and there are some tremendous athletes. i've met some great guys so far, and i truly look forward to every scrimmage, game, social outing. i know there are leagues in most of the major cities, and if you're at all interested in football, i say join! i didn't know a single person in the league, and i was a bit hesistant to join, but i'm so glad i did, and i haven't looked back since.

2) my friend sent me a link to a column by larry kramer, the founder of ACT UP:

why do straights hate gays?

Gays are hated. Prove me wrong. Your top general just called us immoral. Marine Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs, is in charge of an estimated 65,000 gay and lesbian troops, some fighting for our country in Iraq. A right-wing political commentator, Ann Coulter, gets away with calling a straight presidential candidate a faggot. Even Garrison Keillor, of all people, is making really tacky jokes about gay parents in his column. This, I guess, does not qualify as hate except that it is so distasteful and dumb, often a first step on the way to hate. Sens. Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama tried to duck the questions that Pace's bigotry raised, confirming what gay people know: that there is not one candidate running for public office anywhere who dares to come right out, unequivocally, and say decent, supportive things about us.
...
And there's no sign that this situation will change anytime soon. President Bush will leave a legacy of hate for us that will take many decades to cleanse. He has packed virtually every court and every civil service position in the land with people who don't like us. So, even with the most tolerant of new presidents, gays will be unable to break free from this yoke of hate. Courts rule against gays with hateful regularity. And of course the Supreme Court is not going to give us our equality, and in the end, it is from the Supreme Court that such equality must come. If all of this is not hate, I do not know what hate is.

I won't paste the whole thing, but its well worth a read... and it got me thinking.... why are we all sooo scared. If all of us were to come out, we could show the world that we're not going away, and the same people they had drinks with all these years, the same people they've played sports with, laughed with, have been gay. I think it would be a real eye-opener. But yet, we sit in the closet, because its easier, because there's less resistance. We're trying to fight a battle and we can't even stand up for ourselves. I know its nothing new, but I dont know, its just really starting to wear me down. And i feel like a total lame ass. I'm trying to figure out how I can make a difference, and help other guys, younger guys in my situation, to make it easier for the next generation. If anyone has any ideas or if anyone else is fed up with accepting the way things are, shoot me an email - playingitstraight@gmail.com

3) dating in this city is annoying. maybe its just me, or maybe i've just had a bad streak. but i just haven't had an great connection with anyone lately. kinda sucks, but more about that later.